Have we ever considered lotus feet, that is, girls’ feet bound to keep them as small as possible, to be a fetish? Or have we thought of women with “giraffe necks” wearing copper rings around their necks as fetish objects? Or ankles flashing from under long skirts? Hardly. Yet in a certain era and culture, these were indeed suitable for inducing sexual arousal.
There are countless misconceptions about fetishes. Let’s be clear: fantasizing and role-playing during sex is not a fetish in itself. We can draw the line by saying that if something becomes exclusive, if the person concerned can only achieve sexual desire and satisfaction with this “something”, in the presence and use of this “something”, then it can be considered pathological.
We also mistakenly believe that only men can be fetishists. It is indeed more common among the stronger sex, but the reason for this is probably that for them the visual experience is a more decisive sexual stimulus. In fetishism, the visual effect is very strong.
Here’s more about the actual frequency: according to a 2010 online Hungarian survey, 83% of 250,000 respondents only fantasize about fetishes. In reality, only 17% have tried them.
There are many theories about the development of fetishism, but it would be irresponsible to draw far-reaching conclusions from this data. In general, we can say that they typically occur in situations where intimacy and excitement appear together. For example, if someone masturbates in a place where they can be seen, and when this happens, it is not the bad feelings (shame) that will be dominant, but the sexual excitement. And from now on, it will be sexually arousing if someone watches them during sex. Unfortunately, past trauma or humiliation can often be the cause of the development of a fetish. For example, if the person relieves the feeling of loneliness and anger due to bullying at school by masturbating, it can easily lead to sado-masochistic preferences.
Fetishistic desire is much stronger than normal sexual desire. This does not mean that they are aggressive. Rather, it means that they want what they desire more than anything else. They usually come to therapy under pressure from their non-fetishist partner. In psychotherapy, the realistic goal is not so much the total elimination of the fetish, but rather to alleviate the pressure, loneliness, shame, and anxiety caused by keeping the fetish secret. In short, we can say that fetishism should be treated when it prevents the person concerned from loving or working, when it significantly impairs their quality of life, when it harms themselves or others, or when the direction of the attraction is socially unacceptable. Otherwise, a therapeutic goal can be to determine what level of behavior is acceptable for the non-fetishist, or to bring the fetishistic behavior to a level that the fetishist or even their partner can live with. For this, it is worth visiting a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist who is experienced in the subject.
Katalin Katona
sexual psychologist
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center