A sex toy company asked the big question in a 2019 survey: What’s the worst, most difficult thing about sex for you? Nearly 30% of women said it was gaining confidence and loving their own bodies. Not the answer you were expecting, right?
Yet previous research has already highlighted that the biggest obstacle to women’s sexual well-being is that they are not comfortable with their own bodies. Just think about it: someone who is less confident has a harder time connecting with themselves, is constantly anxious about their appearance. Their focus will not be on good physical sensations, but on hiding themselves.
It’s not worth sacrificing pleasure and giving in to the false idea that if your body gets better, then you deserve fulfillment. So: how can you break the vicious cycle?
1. Awareness
Observe, and if necessary, even keep a journal of how many times you say critical things to yourself in a day. This will happen surprisingly often. Try to deal with these in a more rational, positive way. For example, instead of the mistaken idea of “I can’t want a body like this,” think: “My current partner also finds my body exciting and I believe him.”
- Be grateful for your body!
Being grateful for your body in a broader sense leads to acceptance. Even if the skin on your arm is sagging, be grateful for it carrying your bag. Even if your ankles are thick, be grateful for your feet for getting you from one place to another today.
- Don’t make excuses about your body!
There’s nothing more lust killer than when you apologize to your turned-on partner about your breasts, butt, or cellulite. If you’ve gotten this far, he probably finds you attractive. And don’t doubt that he finds the sight of you arousing.
- Don’t keep looking at yourself!
Especially not during sex. Believe me, your partner isn’t concerned about how weird your boobs hang or whether you have stretch marks on your thighs.
- Because of yourself
Whatever intervention you undertake to increase your attractiveness, it should be for yourself. Whether it’s sports, cosmetic surgery, whatever, it shouldn’t be to please your partner.
6. Bókoljatok
Believe and accept it when your partner compliments you. If that doesn’t happen, ask for compliments. You can set a good example for him/her: compliment his/her body! Anything about your beauty and desirability is welcome.
Wherever you are in self-acceptance: patiently, step by step, move towards becoming friends with yourself. And if the pleasure of being together continues to be overshadowed by your lack of self-confidence, see a professional. Believe me, it’s worth it.
Katalin Katona
sexual psychologist
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center