The answer to this question is very subjective and can vary greatly from person to person as to what constitutes good sex. The answer largely depends on the number of partners you have had, your personal sexual experiences (good and bad), and your self-awareness. Nevertheless, I will attempt to summarize the most important aspects that can help you answer this question.
- Frequency
I think this is the most difficult to define, but perhaps the most frequently raised aspect. It is difficult to say what is considered “normal” frequency, as it largely depends on the individual needs of the partners. From a professional point of view, one thing can be determined: when a couple has not had sex or has had little to no sex for at least half a year, there is probably some problem that is worth finding a solution together, perhaps with the help of a professional.
Additionally, the key to frequency is that it is satisfying for both parties and neither partner feels like they are being forced into something they don’t want. If your relationship is built on trust, open communication, and you can talk about your sexual needs, then understanding differences in frequency of intercourse won’t be a problem.
- Communication
It’s very important to be able to communicate about sex from the beginning. Be open to feedback and give your partner feedback on what’s good, what we need, and what we don’t.
There is a common misconception that talking about sexual problems will only make things worse. This is completely wrong. By talking openly about difficulties, we can get to know each other better and there is a chance that a joint solution will emerge and the sexual experience will be more liberated.
- Liberation
Many people report that during sex they think about things like, “Am I doing this right?”, “Am I sexy in this position?”, “Am I making weird noises, does he think that too?” If we become an outside observer of ourselves during sex, we cannot allow ourselves to be in the experience and enjoy it. One of the biggest challenges is to be able to let go of control, to let go of distracting thoughts and just experience the experience. This requires trusting our partner and ourselves, and this leads to the next point.
- Body confidence
How you feel about your own body is an important factor when it comes to allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your sexual partner. If you are unhappy with your body, I recommend the following exercise:
Stand in front of the mirror naked every day and write down everything you love about your body. Even if it’s just your eyebrows or your wrists, write that down. If it’s the rhythm of your walk that you like, write that down too.
This practice may seem strange at first, but over time it will help you see all the beauty in your body. Over time, your brain will learn to notice that your body is beautiful just the way it is and resist cultural and social expectations and stigmas.
- Experimentation and renewal
Do you want to try new things with your partner, but you don’t know how to go about it? Or are you afraid that they will judge you for your desires?
First, get clear about your own preferences, desires, and fantasies. Read erotic literature or try erotic fantasy apps, find out what turns you on. It’s also very important to realize that fantasy and reality don’t always overlap. It’s possible that there are fantasies that excite you, but you wouldn’t want to try them in reality. There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s completely fine.
Once you feel confident about your own preferences, talk about them with your partner. If you both share your fantasies and desires, first verbally, it will be much easier to talk about what you would like to try out during your time together.
Váradi Fanni
sexual psychologist
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center