Climax – like the arrival of menstruation – is one of the most natural biological processes. Everyone goes through it. Yet we taboo it. And the psychological, relationship, and sexual changes that come with it even more. And we accept that menopause comes with giving up sex, painful sex, and enduring unpleasant physical symptoms.
There is no doubt that everyone experiences physical changes differently. What is happening in the body at this time? Due to the decrease in hormones, the vaginal tissue becomes thinner and drier, the vaginal wall shortens and narrows, and even the external and internal folds of the vulva shrink. Vaginal dryness, itching, and vulnerability of the surface of the vagina and cervix can follow. With the decrease in hormonal effects, urinary incontinence can develop, because without hormones, the mucous membrane of the vagina and urethra atrophies and the tone of the tissues around the urethra decreases. The feeling of shame due to urine leakage, and painful penetration due to changes in the mucous membranes can generate anxiety that only further distances women from experiencing sexuality. This is reinforced by the additional psychological difficulties that accompany the crisis, such as: loss of fertility, mourning youth, changes in body image, and children leaving home, all of which can bring with them uncertainty and a sense of worthlessness.
These effects are not really conducive to experiencing intimacy. What can we do to still experience physical love as liberated and as fully as possible? First of all: general changes in attitude and lifestyle also affect sexuality. So let’s start the intervention with this. Let’s think about our diet and our relationship to exercise. We humans like to please. And if we feel attractive, that can contribute to not removing the idea of sexuality from ourselves. In addition to shaping our appearance, it is also worth emphasizing deepening ourselves. Why? Because at this age, we also need to find a way to rearrange ourselves. We can do this along questions such as: what makes us happy and satisfied at this stage of life? Let’s reframe the situation! In other words, instead of asking “what is no longer there”, let’s focus on what new, positive things this age brings. For example, once the children are out of the house, there is more time to practice intimacy, once menstruation stops, there is no longer any need to worry about menstrual cramps, and the burden of contraception is also lifted from the woman.
Let’s move on to physicality! It must be emphasized that partner involvement and open, honest communication are essential for a woman to experience good quality sexuality despite the physical and mental changes. What can we think about here? As we usually say: sex is a continuous learning process, evaluated and reconstructed from time to time, at different stages of life. Let’s think about the following: have we so far focused on making sex good for our partner and have we neglected our own needs and desires? How was sex good so far and what needs to be changed now, how could it be better? Is more time needed to achieve sexual arousal (e.g. vaginal lubrication)? Is it now necessary to use lubricant? Should penetration and the pursuit of orgasm be replaced by more touching, cuddling, and caressing? Should we rather masturbate together or have oral sex? If we haven’t done so far, are we open to using aids?
A new stage in life requires a new balance. The first step is to understand what is happening to us. The second step is to change our habits on an individual and relationship level. Let us approach ourselves and our partner with curiosity, openness, and patience, whether it is about helping us through spiritual changes or sexuality.
Katalin Katona
sexual psychologist
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center