Love also involves physicality. And although at the beginning of a relationship you may feel that you don’t need words to understand each other, unfortunately the “sixth sense” rarely works very well. Especially when it comes to communicating sexual needs. Contrary to popular belief, sex doesn’t happen by itself. You have to learn and discuss it with your partner.
As professionals, we usually recommend that you don’t start discussing these topics in depth during sex. It’s worth choosing a time of day when you have the opportunity to calmly tune in to each other, to reach a state of mind when you dare to talk about intimate issues, your erotic desires or fears. At such times, the emphasis should really be on understanding each other, on curiosity, and even then it’s worth saying that you can’t answer certain questions right away, but want to. Here are some ideas that you can follow to start your journey of erotic knowledge of yourself and the other person.
1) Whose favorite pose is it? Why is it? For example, are certain poses more likely to allow you to touch each other, or are certain body positions more visually exciting?
2) What sexual fantasy would you try out? Even if the question is embarrassing, it’s worth showing this side of yourself. And remember: fantasies don’t necessarily have to come true!
3) Where do you like to be touched? Is there an erogenous zone that gets you completely excited when touched? And is there one that, no matter how much the other person caresses it, feels bad or boring?
4) How should the other person touch you? Slowly or quickly, harder or softer, with hands or with an aid? Feel free to tell each other what really turns you on.
5) Where do you draw the line? Let’s say: which pose is uncomfortable, or which is more neutral than exciting for you? What is it that is difficult to imagine even in your imagination and you would not want to try at all? Is there a location where it would be difficult for you to sacrifice on the altar of love (e.g. during visits to relatives)? What hygiene habits would you like to enforce? How did you protect yourself from diseases and conception?
These questions may seem very obvious, almost unnecessary. However, don’t forget: it doesn’t hurt to renegotiate them from time to time. After all, changes in life situations (e.g. having children, losing a job, etc.), injuries, crises, but also simply the fact that you are becoming more and more mature and getting to know your own needs better, will affect your sexuality.
Katalin Katona
sexual psychologist
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center