What can you do if sex hurts?
Painful sexual intercourse mainly affects women. It is also known as dyspareunia or vaginismus. Let’s see what is worth considering.
First and foremost: Sex shouldn’t hurt!
Erotica is a fundamentally pleasurable activity. So don’t trivialize it if it starts to cause pain!
With this in mind, the second step can be taken, which is to rule out medical causes.
1) Think about it
-did you have an intimate accident (e.g. was your perineum damaged during a more passionate sexual encounter)
-have you had any medical procedures or illnesses that could cause symptoms (vaginal examination, cystitis, vaginal infection, etc.)
2) Inappropriate sexual arousal
-often there is a side effect of medication (e.g. hormonal contraceptives, antidepressants, blood pressure reducers, etc.), but changing pills or changing the dose is strictly a medical competence!
-decreased vaginal smoothness can be caused by, for example, breastfeeding a child or reaching menopause
3) Excessive tension of the pelvic floor muscles, anatomical deviation
+1 pro tip: If you feel like the only obstacle to your freedom is that your partner’s size is not compatible with yours (oversized), then feel free to try OHNUT. You can get information about it here: https://libwomenstore.com/products/ohnut
The third important step is to take the emotional causes of painful penetration seriously. What should you think about? Here’s what you should do:
-anxiety about relationships, unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases
-lack of self-confidence because you don’t see your genitals and body as beautiful or desirable
-highly restrictive upbringing that creates guilt about body and sexuality
-irrational fear of penetration itself
-shame, physical and mental trauma from previous relationships
Possible intervention points
It is essential that you see a gynecologist, urologist, or urogynecologist who is knowledgeable in the subject as soon as possible. But don’t stay idle until then! Consider:
-How is sex going: is there enough time for foreplay? Do you know the most pleasurable way of arousal and position for you? Do you dare to say no to your partner if something feels wrong?
-How is your relationship: do you feel stable? Is there an argument between you that constantly distances you from the other person?
-Do you know and love your body? And your genitals?
-What is your opinion about sexuality: is it a good, pleasurable activity or a necessary evil, a simple obligation?
-What fears do you have before, during, and after sex? Can you handle them effectively?
Let me remind you once again: eroticism and sexuality should not involve pain! Pain always indicates that something needs to change. For some, a little awareness, more emphasis on attention, and greater reciprocity between partners are enough to eliminate it. For others, more serious medical and psychological intervention is needed to eliminate the symptoms. The good news is that today, trained professionals who are familiar with the subject are accompanying you on your journey, so that making love can be about liberation for you again as soon as possible!
Katalin Katona
szexuálpszcihológus
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center