There was a time when sex was officially only allowed within marriage. Nowadays, there are jokes that make fun of the fact that committed couples have poor sex lives. Let’s take a look at the excuses, the facts, and what we can do differently!
Excuse: We’ve been together for too long.
Fact: According to a study those who don’t live with their partner have sex 7.9 times a month while those who are married have sex an average of 5 times.
What we can do: Don’t take it for granted that your loved one is available at any time, so there’s no need to keep the fire burning! A little mischief, sexy texting, and small physical touches can confirm that you desire the other person. Instead of forced sex, start having sex differently.
Excuse: I was working, leave me alone!
Fact: Surveys show that people who work full-time have more sex.
What we can do: There’s no doubt that earning money is good for our self-esteem. At the same time, maintaining a work-life balance is essential to maintaining intimacy. Remind yourself to say no at work, not just to your partner.
Excuse: I don’t have the strength for this.
Fact: According to scientific data, 1 minute of sex requires 3.5 calories. (To help you imagine the energy requirement: the average act lasts 5.4 minutes, and in long-term relationships it rarely goes over 10 minutes.)
What we can do: As a speaker said at a conference: based on this data, if someone can walk home, they can also have sex! Seriously: if we feel overwhelmed, we should definitely rethink the redistribution of everyday tasks, and consciously manage the time we spend together. A little caressing and cuddling is enough if we feel like it, but it is not worth constantly keeping ourselves away from intimate relationships.
Excuse: I’m too old for this
Fact: The truth is that it is not the number of years per se, but rather the deterioration of health that causes sexual dysfunction, which then leads to a lack of sex in old age.
What we can do: Maintaining our health is not just a matter of aesthetics. Losing a few pounds, exercising regularly, and eating a balanced diet can not only make us feel more attractive, but our bodies will also be in better condition from the inside, which can increase sexual activity.
Excuse: Harmful to the baby during pregnancy
Fact: 29% of men and women said they want sex but don’t have it because they’re worried about the effects it could have on the baby. The reality is that, except in cases where there is a medically known reason for the possibility of a high-risk miscarriage, there is no reason to abstain from sex.
What we can do: The focus is, of course, on the expectant mother. Whatever eroticism suits her well, can be experienced during pregnancy as well. I’m just saying: couples who had sex while expecting a baby and found it satisfying, had an increased level of bonding and emotional support.
Excuse: We don’t have sex because of the IVF program.
Fact: 21% of those undergoing assisted reproduction procedures do not have spontaneous sex at all. This form of shared pleasure is lost. As one psychiatrist working on the subject noted: sex becomes a mechanical recreation.
What we can do: Let us remind ourselves that beyond medical instructions and beyond conceiving the desired child, it is important to remain a man and a woman for ourselves and for the other. The joy of sexuality can relax, fill us with self-confidence, and strengthen the emotional connection between two people, which is especially necessary in such a difficult life situation.
Change! Change! Change!
There are many reasons why a couple finds themselves in a sexless marriage. If this is a problem for those involved, then you need to intervene. Don’t let excuses take over and cause the seeds of alienation to appear in the relationship! Maybe you need to change your communication, and for this it is worth attending some suitable couples therapy. And maybe all it takes is a little boldness, and you can find plenty of inspiration for that here, in the webshop.
Katalin Katona
sexual psychologist
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center