It’s not as clear-cut as we might think. Let’s look at the scientific data! A 2010 study by the American Kinsey Institute revealed that there is no single, common definition in society of what sex is. So, they didn’t ask people to define perversions or “normal” sexual things. The only question was what they thought constituted sex.
Interpretations ranged across a wide spectrum. Twenty percent of men and women aged 18 to 96 in the study said that anal sex was not sex. 95 percent of respondents said that penile-vaginal contact was sex, but that number dropped to 89 percent if it did not involve ejaculation. 77 percent of the youngest men considered oral sex to be sex, but only 67 percent of the oldest women considered oral sex to be sex.
The questions that arise in the practice of sexual psychology in Hungary also fit into this category. Here are some:
If I do it to myself? Well, that’s sex too. It can be done alone, and it can be an exciting addition to a couple’s time together. But be careful! If you get to the point where your penis and vagina come into contact or your ejaculate gets into your vagina, you need to use protection to avoid sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy!
What if I don’t have an orgasm? That’s still sex. Even if that’s not necessarily the goal of the act. Even if you don’t always achieve it in the same way and not always in the same amount of time. But sex is still sex without orgasm.
And if there’s no penetration? That’s still sex. It can be very exciting, it can be with a device, but it’s still sex.
If it only lasts a short time? It’s still considered sex. Caution is recommended even then!
What if the other party says it’s not sex? It depends on everyone’s own feelings! No one can argue with how the other party experiences it! If you think it’s sex, then you have the right to decide whether to continue it!
What if I didn’t agree? Then it’s abuse.
And why is this uncertainty a problem? For example, because it can make it more difficult to fight sexually transmitted diseases, since the person may develop the misconception that what they are doing is not sex, so they do not need to use protection. Or they may get pregnant against their will. Or it is also possible that as they get older and gain more experience, they will realize that what they did when they were young was very much sex. It is also possible that if someone does not want to engage in classic penetrative acts due to their religious upbringing, but engages in other pleasurable activities, they may later feel vulnerable and exploited because of what happened.
If we have doubts about the concept of sexuality or whether a particular sexual activity is compatible with our principles and upbringing, it is worth resolving these anxieties with a sexual psychologist. Otherwise, instead of constantly worrying, let’s try to live well and with openness, seeing how many different ways we can sacrifice on the altar of physical pleasures!
Katalin Katona
sexual psychologist
one of the founders of the Dámia Sexual Therapy Center